Real talk: If you want someone to fulfill EVERYTHING, that person does not exist.
As Author & Therapist Esther Perel says, you can’t expect one person to fulfill what a whole village used to for humans.
An example of unrealistic expectations: You want your partner to be driven and Type A when you need it, soft and Type B supportive when you need it, know exactly what you would like as a gift for every occasion, good at everything (but maybe not better than you at specific things), to understand how you approach business and approach it in the same way, to always say the right thing at the right time, and basically be able to read your mind.
If this sounds like you, what you are looking for = a bunch of different people. Also, a person who gets it right all the time? That is unfair. Some people may be more intuitive, but to get it right ALL the time? Unrealistic!
It’s natural to feel disappointed if your partner doesn’t fulfill everything you wish that they would.
I used to think something was wrong when I felt like something was “missing” in a relationship.
For example, I don’t enjoy talking to my husband about business and vice versa. The way we approach projects is COMPLETELY different, and while it is positive that our approaches are complimenting, I simply don’t enjoy talking to him about business. I enjoy talking to my entrepreneurial friends, where the mindset is more “intuitive visionary” versus linear. (Linear is absolutely necessary – it is just a different approach)!
Do I NEED to talk to him about business and for him to see it the way I see it? No. Would it be nice? Absolutely. But it’s OK that we’re not the first to go to each other for it. We have other friends and colleagues for that.
To be honest, in the beginning I was disappointed about it. Because I LOVE talking business ideas! The important thing is that we fulfill each other in other ways – the ways we truly need. Like when I’m an emotional wreck, he’s got me. He’s super supportive. That was one thing that was extremely important to me before I chose him, because I hated when I was in previous relationships and the person failed to show up emotionally. I wanted someone good at the little things that truly matter in life.
It’s good to know what is non-negotiable for you when choosing someone, and which areas you are willing to be flexible.
Ask yourself, what do I want the main purpose of my relationship to be? To feel safe? To feel good emotionally? To feel inspired? To have an activity buddy? To have a best friend? To work together? To be with someone who gives you space? To be with someone who supports your independence?
Find what is most important to you to have from your main partner, and for everything else, find it in community, or do it yourself. 🙂
For more advice on how to create the relationship of your dreams, pick up my Best-Selling book, “Show Up: Finding Love for Independent Women!”